A Page From My Book Of Feelings

Hi old folks! I know!! I've been a very bad mother to my Blog, and have not taken care of it properly, and I'm very sorry about it! So this is the reason why, I'm posting this draft, which is very close to my heart, and means a lot to me! I had written it earlier but never posted it because it takes up a special place and whatever maybe the case, I just cannot let it go. Today, I am posting this as I feel that my readers do deserve a compensation for me not writing in such a long time!

    I still remember that afternoon, like it was just yesterday; 3 years ago, on the afternoon of 22nd June,2014, he called 19 times trying to say something, each time he fumbled on 'I'! I understood what he was trying to say, but purposefully, just to tease him; I kept asking him to practice whatever he had to say! He practiced and then finally, around 5:30 in the evening he confessed that he loved me, and asked whether I shared the same feelings for him! My answer was a clear yes! (I mean come on, think about it, he was, strike was, he is my best-est friend, he knows me in and out, he knows what fears are plaguing me, he knows what I am aspiring to be, in fact he knows everything about me, so why the hell not!!!!) Eventually, school started, we got into different sections, but still made it a point to hangout together! Everyday, after our school ended, we made it a point to meet each other near the play fields and talk and hang around, so that no one knew that we were sharing a very special relationship, a very sweet bond which was close to our hearts or maybe not! But I wouldn't spoil the whole story by dropping hints! As the time passed by, people came to know about us, and everyone had their own take on this! A week or three passed, and the date was....14th of July, the same year, when a girl, came up to me and said that my boyfriend was cheating on me! I did NOT believe her! I trusted  trust him way too much! Instead, what I did was, I screamed on that girl and stated that she was just jealous because I had such a caring boyfriend. After another class, another girl came up to me and said the same thing, I repeated my actions! Later during the day, a guy came up to me and said the same thing, this is when my trust was shaken, shaken just by a millimeter! I asked one of my boyfriend's and mine common friend to go and ask my boyfriend, "What these rumors were all about?" After the lunch-break this friend walks up to me and said, " He asked you not to believe on these rumors and has also asked you to meet him by your regular spot by the playground after school!" I agreed, and decided to apologize to him when we meet in person as I felt guilty for believing all the 'knuckle-heads' for once! I knew that my boyfriend was the best! After school, I went to our regular spot and waited for him, eventually my friends were getting late so they left. They asked me to come with them, but I was determined to talk to him; so I waited...Alone. After around 20 minutes, when I saw the whole school was getting empty and stranded, I thought that maybe he forgot that we planned to meet, or maybe something important came up so he had to leave.. or one of the possibilities could also be that he wasn't feeling well so he had to leave! It could be anything! So instead of jumping to conclusions, I walked out of the school and went back home. After reaching my 'Home Sweet Home' I freshened up and the first thing I did was to call him. I had made up my mind that I had to apologize and promise that I would never let any rumors of such sorts get in between us! After around 2 rings he answered the call , something seemed different, but I knew that I was overthinking! We talked about our day casually and that is when I thought that I should apologize but he said that he had to say something, something that according to him was the most important matter at hand and it couldn't wait, so I let him speak first! What he said took me completely off guard. He said that the rumors were true, he said that he was actually cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. He said that he thought he would play along, but me being such a "GOOD" and "kind-hearted" person, he couldn't do it! He said that he was sorry and his conscience didn't allow him to break someone's heart whom he loved so much! He said that he couldn't see me upset and crying because of him so he thought it was better we just left what we had and end it all now, early than never! All this while, I couldn't believe him! I seriously thought this was one of his pranks and he was just fooling around me! Even though he had confessed it himself that he was double gaming it, I couldn't believe him! I could not imagine him doing that! My trust was so strong on him that even he couldn't shake it! After taking a minute or two, I realized that he was not joking and all that came out of my mouth was, "OKAY" . ' Okay' was all that I could say. I did not understand if I was supposed to cry over my broken trust, or be happy for saving my heart from critical damage! I didn't know how to react! Maybe I was too shocked at his confession or maybe I was too upset for trusting him so much. What I knew for sure was that, he had done the crime of cheating on me, but I did even a worse crime of trusting him so bad! Later, that day after dinner my sister asked me about what was up between me and my boyfriend! And people, guess what was my reply!! I replied that he was no longer my boyfriend, I said, " You mean my ex-boyfriend?" That was enough for my sister, she immediately took up the guardian angel's spot and started helping me out to get my mind clear. I told her the matter of affairs and her reply, even that took me by shock! She said that it takes a lot of guts to man up and tell a girl that you've cheated on her. That makes him a real man as cowards hide from the truth and he accepted it. He accepted his mistakes and tried to amend them. I listened to my sister, and that is when I realized that if two people can be friends after being lovers they tend to be the bestest friends! And I made sure that we are the bestest friends! I gave my 100% and the credit also goes to him! Even he gave his 100%. And today, we have reached a point where we share a great friendship!

   Somethings that I have never confessed to him was that, his actions did hurt. It did hurt that he cheated on me. It did hurt that he knew exactly what he was doing, but still he chose to do it! What hurt the most is that falling in love with you was so easy..but moving on is impossible! What huts the most is you never understood what I was thinking! What hurts the most is that you didn't fight for our friendship when it was on the verge of breaking! What hurts the most is that you're so important to me but I am not to you! What hurts the most is that we used to talk for hours everyday but now it's just a few minutes a day. We always used to want to be together, and now it seems that he is just to busy. I still remember the jokes, laughs and smiles we had shared, but I wonder it he knows remembers any of it. What hurts the most is that I couldn't confess all this when I could have done something about it. He knows that I still have a crush on him. A huge one! However hard I try to move on..doesn't happen! What happens instead is that I end up reading our old chats and smile like an idiot! But I am happy for one thing, It was better to get hurt by the truth than being comforted by a lie! And this is one of the reasons that I Love You! I want to go up to him and tell him, that,

I saw you.
I liked you.
I got you.
I loved you.
I lost you.
And..........
I. Miss. You.

I don't think I will get over it, but I will reach to a point where it matters less. But what hurts is that, I could never gather guts and say all this to his face, I could never confess this to him. He always tells me that he is not good for me, or that I should stay away from him because he cannot see me hurt, he loves to see me smile and he thinks that he has given me a lot of pain and if he stays around he will give me more pain. He is so stupid that he cannot even see, if he leaves me I will be even more hurt! In the future, which ever guy I meet, the guys has to accept the fact that I have someone else in my life, who takes up just 4 millimeters of space in my heart, and no one can take this space.

 Men will come and Men will go, But no one will be able to take his place that is in my heart's core! 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I think that is just the case. This year, after my exams, I will be moving into another city and I think this is the best way I could say everything before I leave. 

PS: I won't be revealing his name, because the last time when I revealed PD a whole lot of havoc was created!!! Anyways Cheerio!

PPS: Thank you for reading my blog! Your suggestions and comments are sincerely appreciated! Bye!